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dukejuke

Crack a joke

48 posts in this topic

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

 

 

 

Answer :

To get to the other side .

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butt

 

(HA, it was funny)

(and your right i don't know jokes)

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Kratos Aurion crossed the road.

 

No one dared question his motives

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

He's fleeing. His family was grinded by a combine.

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A plane crashes in the border of the US and Canada, where do you bury the survivors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Why on earth would you bury the survivors? D:

 

 

(side note: how do you make a spoiler tag?)

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(when you go to reply look in the upper left corner there is a itme there called special bb code , click it and select spoiler ,after doing these steps please write what you wish to place in the said spoiler)

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At the police station (speeding)

 

 

At the hospital(you try driving at 1000mph/205mpm and not crash)

A and B are 12563 miles away from each other.A goes to B's location at the speed of 1000 miles per hour and B goes to A's location at 205 miles per minute.Both use the same path.Where do they meet?

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why did Chuck Norris cross the road

 

Because he does not fear the other side

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How do you know if someone is a evil character?

 

They're pale, have weird eye color, and have snakes(reference to harry potter and naruto, if you don't know)

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here is the world's oldest joke:

 

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes:

 

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

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Why do seagulls live by the sea?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Because if they lived by the bay they would be beagles. (is that how it's spelled?)

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here is one from I pad Siri:

 

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

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here is one from I pad Siri:

 

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

 

The Funniest joke in all of the space-time continuum.

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This is the saddest excuse of a joke thread I have ever seen, it doesn't even deserve my comedy.

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Humor about animals

 

Dogs

 

Catholic Dog

 

  Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

 

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

 

 

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

 

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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Humor about animals

 

Dogs

 

Catholic Dog

 

  Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

 

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

 

 

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

 

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

 

 

Ah?...

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Signs You Are No Longer a Kid

 

 

  You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

 

 

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

 

 

Your back goes out more than you do.

 

 

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

 

 

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

 

 

You are proud of your lawn mower.

 

 

Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.

 

 

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

 

 

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

 

 

You sing along with the elevator music.

 

 

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

 

 

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

 

 

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

 

 

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

 

 

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

 

 

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

 

Neighbors borrow your tools

 

 

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

 

 

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

 

 

You send money to PBS.

 

 

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

 

 

You take a metal detector to the beach.

 

 

You wear black socks with sandals.

 

 

You know what the word "equity" means.

 

 

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

 

 

Your ears are hairier than your head.

 

 

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

 

 

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

 

 

You got cable for the weather channel.

 

 

You can go bowling without drinking.

 

 

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

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Patient: Doctor, I think I'm allergic to big, fancy catamarans. Are there any drugs that might help?

Doctor: Hmm, I recommend some anti-"bi-yacht"-ics.

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What did one lab rat say to the other?I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.

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An old friend of mine was an inventor and an alcoholic.

 

So, what he decided to do one day when he was sober was to put an AI he had laying around and he put it into his shoes so that whenever he got FUBAR, his shoes would take care of the rest and safely take him home. Well, he didn't take into account that within about a month his shoes became enamored with him and when he decided to clean up his act his shoes didn't really have much of a purpose anymore.

 

One day, he and his friend decided to go bowling and so he laced up his shoes with the AI in them and went to the alleys with his buddies in his car. Once they got to the lobby they had rented some bowling shoes and he had left his shoes with the renter.

 

About an hour or so later he had gotten a phone call from a police officer saying that his car was stolen and it had been ran off of a bridge into a ravine nearby. This had devastated him so he did what he thought was logical and decided to get his shoes and to bury them. Later when he was talking to his priest to be sure that his shoes got into Heaven and the priest had reassured him that his shoes were fine and safe up above.

 

Whenever I've told people about this story, they always seem to ask about how those shoes got into Heaven, and it is actually rather simple:

 

Shoes, they have soles...

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An old friend of mine was an inventor and an alcoholic.

 

So, what he decided to do one day when he was sober was to put an AI he had laying around and he put it into his shoes so that whenever he got FUBAR, his shoes would take care of the rest and safely take him home. Well, he didn't take into account that within about a month his shoes became enamored with him and when he decided to clean up his act his shoes didn't really have much of a purpose anymore.

 

One day, he and his friend decided to go bowling and so he laced up his shoes with the AI in them and went to the alleys with his buddies in his car. Once they got to the lobby they had rented some bowling shoes and he had left his shoes with the renter.

 

About an hour or so later he had gotten a phone call from a police officer saying that his car was stolen and it had been ran off of a bridge into a ravine nearby. This had devastated him so he did what he thought was logical and decided to get his shoes and to bury them. Later when he was talking to his priest to be sure that his shoes got into Heaven and the priest had reassured him that his shoes were fine and safe up above.

 

Whenever I've told people about this story, they always seem to ask about how those shoes got into Heaven, and it is actually rather simple:

 

Shoes, they have soles...

 

Ah! that's a pretty good one!

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Today's Special

 

 

This English guy is recommended by a friend to eat at a special restaurant in an old bull-fighting town in central Spain, and to do so on a Sunday.

So the guy books a table for himself and dutifully turns up. The place is full and he notices one lone diner sitting at a table set on a raised platform. He doesn’t take too much notice of him, though, and sets to ordering his meal.

As the waiter is finishing taking his order the restaurant lights suddenly dim, a spotlight falls on the lone diner, and a red carpet is rolled from the kitchen door to his table. Then six fanfare trumpeters appear and, three each side of the carpet, they sound a rousing flourish on their instruments.

The kitchen doors open and out walk four waiters each supporting a large covered silver salver, one at each corner so to speak. As they slowly traverse the red carpet towards the raised table, the other diners are on their feet shouting: ‘Ole! Ole! Ole’ with every step they take.

The lone diner sets his arms wide, a knife in one hand and a fork in the other, waiting enthusiastically. The waiters reach the table and gently set the salver in front of him. As the head waiter’s hand grasps the handle of the cover a hush falls across the restaurant. Then he lifts the cover to reveal two of the largest meatballs you have ever seen. The crowd is now shouting even loader ‘Ole!, Ole!, Ole!’

Eventually the noise subsides and the diner slices into the first meatball with his knife and fork.

‘What was all that about?’ asks the English guy to his waiter, ‘that was amazing!’

‘Ahh,’ says the waiter, ‘it is the tradition of the house. We have the special arrangement with the bullring and we get the criadillas, the testicles, from the prize bull after the final fight of the day. Then they are cooked and ceremoniously served immediately after the bull fight is over, as you have seen, to the diner who has reserved the special table.’

‘That IS amazing!’ says the English guy, ‘I must reserve the table for myself..’

‘Sadly, senor, there is a long wait, and I will not be able to let you have a table for several weeks…’

The guy is not to be put off however, and he books a table some 3 months away.

All the time he is looking forward to his meal and eventually the day arrives. He enters the restaurant, and he takes his place on the raised table. All eyes are upon him. After about ten minutes the ceremony starts. The lights dim, the spotlight falls upon him, the trumpeters sound their fanfare and the waiters enter with the large salver. ‘Ole! Ole! Ole!’ scream the other diners. The guy’s heart is pounding as the salver is placed upon the table, and then the head waiter lifts the cover to reveal… two extremely small meatballs.

‘Hey, what’s this?’ shouts the perplexed Englishman ‘I didn’t order these,. I ordered two bull’s testicles, not these tiny things. What’s going on?’

‘Aahh, senor’ says the waiter, ‘You see… you have to appreciate… sometimes… the bull… he wins!’

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